In between 2 am or 3 am, I tend to wake up for no reason. It’s been like this since December and now, January is almost done, it is still the same. This is not usual me. Could this be a post-break up phenomenon. Some people seem to say so but I’m not sure. Trying to recall if I had this before, that was different. It was because of the hyperthyroidism. For years now, my iodine is balance. I’ve been into medication before and have my self tested with blood chemistry T3, T4 and the other one I forgot. It pisses me off because every time I wake up, I pretty much got nothing to do but to think about her again and again and worry for her and shit.
Got to be honest, I’m bruised and wounded with all these. She doesn’t know that or she won’t be able to know that and how much damaged she have caused. Tangina! Ayaw ko din naman isumbat pa mga yun. Because I find it stupid and don’t want to burden me or anyone further. I’m not really in a mood to recall the shitty scenarios that has happened.
What I want to talk about is this heroism disorder, maybe? That feeling that somewhat I need to go there and rescue her regardless of the result. Tried to research about it if there is such. And how did you know? There is!
Upon research, they call it Christ Complex or Messiah Complex. It is a state of mind in which an individual holds a belief that he or she is, or is destined to become a savior. When it comes to relationship though, they call it Savior complex.
Maybe that was it. I have that psychological shit in me that keeps me wanting to be with her and to make sure she is okay. You see, according to the stuff I’ve read, that Savior Complex is not a healthy thing. It may sound chivalrous or something but it’s also rooting down to one’s own insecurity. How to spot it: if you constantly support and giving your partner the attention and you love giving it to her. Or if you see your partner as someone needs to be fixing. That’s a Savior Complex. We do these things as what heroes do to make our partners commit to us and that’s crying out for insecurity. Just like in the movies. It’s romantic and all but it is actually a very toxic relationship, according to research and eventually, the relationship will just burn out.
There is also what they call reverse savior complex. It is wanting to be saved. A damsel in distress type.
Bottomline is no one supposed to save anybody as each should be able to stand up on their own and for themselves. To assume that you need to save someone or fix someone, it is like you’re assuming she or he is a weakling. That is not right.
Now I wonder, how about that song by Coldplay which is Fix You, I wonder if that is a healthy song. Well who am I to say whatever. All I know is that I still got that feeling and I’m actually been trying as I can to disregard it. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be the psychological tendency that I’m having.
Or maybe, I am already beyond that. After all, there was a time I left her for her own good. I left to save her from me. What the hell I know. So what I know of, is of course I love her. And I think that is all there is.