Melancholy

It’s cold and stormy afternoon. I took a sip from my cigarette and mashed it. As the light faded, I light up another one. It’s been 15 minutes or so that we’re having a black out due to storm. As my boredom sets in, I decided to write, old school. Armed with pen and paper and, of course, a pack of reds with an ashtray on its side while the ambiance drowns of a U2 song playing on my phone.

“You say you want

diamonds and a ring of gold..

You say you want

story to remain untold

~ I lean back and took another sip while letting my self drunk with the music. 

And all the promises we made

from the cradle to the grave

And all I want is you”

I don’t know how to understand her. The slight argument that we had earlier, she didn’t know it pains me greatly. Take note, it was just a “slight” argument. You don’t want to know what’s full blown argument is like. Let’s just say that if that happen, she usually cut off in the middle of conversation and she’ll ignore me, at least for a month. And that is something I really dread. Funny thing is I’m not sure she would even believe it even I say it so.

Anyway, I don’t want to dwell on that thought, my lamentation of being deprived of her presence. Though my thought process still continue to lead me down that road.

~ Before I continue let me change the music first. The phone is on repeat mode and at this point, the U2 song been playing more than several times already. Scrolling down. Best Laid Plans? Hmmm.. Nope. Breakeven? It’s too famous. Here we go, Liars – The Otherside of Mt. Heart Attack. As soon as it play, I light up another smoke and pause for a bit… Okay, here we go.

Going back to the real subject, we were in facebook chatting. Everything’s calm, there’s no problem. Except for this question that’s bugging me since yesterday. So I asked her, how much do you love me? And she said, ” Just make sure that everyday I will still love you”, and she added ” It depends on you”. 

Basically, for her to love me, she wants me to keep her happy. I laughed on that thought. Because if that is the case, our belief on what love is is divided by a vast space between. Still, I didn’t argue. If that’s what she feels, no point of arguing. I just wanted her honesty. Though her thought about love is never a stranger to me. We talked about this before because I used to tell her that I love her more and she would contradict it and say that she love me more than I love her.

Continuing on, it provokes thoughts in me like, until when will she be able to love or “believe” she love me. Let’s say if I die.. Would that void the love she had for me. Her reply is more confusing. She said she will treasure the memories and that I would be leaving her pitiful.

I didn’t add an argument to the that statement anymore. My manly tears roll down for a reason I don’t know exactly. I simple replied, “Okay”. Then she noticed that for few minutes I didn’t say anything else. She asked me if that’s all the question I got. So I asked another question and that is, “Would you like me to love you the same way as you love me?”. And she said, “No” and she said some confusing stuffs so I paraphrase, “In order for me to do things that would suit you (to make her happy), I should adapt your perspective about love. So we go back to the question, would u like me to think that way? Of course u do.. Because if not, how can I make you happy if I won’t adapt your perspective about love.” And at the this point she said yes.

Anyway, this write up is not about who love who more or whatever. That’s not relevant to me anymore. I just want to express the pain I felt when I heard these from her.

A lot of people believed that love is unconditional. But when reality sinks in, that belief will be tested. Maybe the reason I cried because I didn’t change.. and I tried to. But still, I am still. And so, I remember this quote again from the movie from Blue Valentine:

I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around. 

 ~ All these thoughts began when I remember what we talked about yesterday. I told her whenever she come back here, I will hug her so tight. I will kidnap her and take her away to some place for only her and me. And she said, “I don’t want to”. I asked her why. And she said I might bring her to a place with unsavory food, uncomfortable bed and she needs internet etc etc. I laughed and I said to her, “See? And that’s the reason why it’s me who love you more.. Because all this time, you’ve been more than enough for me.”