It’s so hard to deal with death. Losing someone you love is really hard to bear. My dog passed away yesterday and it’s really a devastating feeling. I know to some people it’s a bit funny that I’m really affected by it. I love that dog so much and the most upsetting thing is I only have myself to blame. I can’t blame the vet or our helper because I already got a feeling that something’s wrong with her for weeks now.
Usually when I come home every after work, Leroy and Sable would greet me with their tail wagging at the gate. That’s what usually happens every time I come home. Last week, I noticed that only Leroy would jump at the gate to greet me and Sable would just lie down at the door waiting for me. Of course, I find it odd right away because there are no days that would happen as long as she’s on the front porch. It even occur to me that I better bring her to the vet but I never did. I’m really focused on work that I tend to forget the needs of my dogs. But even then I can sense there’s something wrong.
One day I decided that I better get her to the vet and have her tested or something. So I told Ninin, our helper, to bring her to the vet in the morning. So I went to work around 12 am and day in the office goes by as usual. Then suddenly I got a call from the reception area that someone’s looking for me. I went there and I saw Ninin waiting. She told me that Sable was really in a bad shape according to the doctor and we need to buy some medicines and stuffs. So I gave her additional money to buy all necessary stuffs and I went back to the office. I tried to go to the vet after the shift but Ninin and Sable already went home as the doctor said but still I asked for the condition. She told me stuffs that makes me think of my most hateful scenarios.
When I got home, I tried to look for Ninin but she wasn’t there and also look for Sable. No one’s home. I tried to sleep and after couple of hours I got a text message from Ninin that I need to come home right away. I went downstairs, she didn’t know that I’m already at home. I saw Sable already lying on the floor. I tried to call her but she didn’t respond. I felt a sudden panic. I told Ninin to bring her right away to the vet. She called for a taxi outside while I stay beside Sable and tried to comfort her but I got no response except for her eyes and her effort to wag her tail. It scared me more. After few minutes, Ninin came with a taxt and so we went to the vet.
When were there, Sable still can’t able to stand up. I tried to comfort her still. She seem to noticed that the place is a bit familiar. She tried to stand up to come to me. I’m not sure what it meant but I thought maybe she was just scared and just want a familiar hand to comfort her, so I comfort her more. Then it was decided that we’re going to leave her in the vet for a night just to be sure she’ll get all health check attention she needs. She seems like got a feeling that I’m going to leaver he behind she tried to stand up even though she stumbled. I tried comforting her and she decided to sleep on my hand. For few minutes, I leave her sleeping.
The next day after the shift, I went to the clinic right away. I saw her looking better. Right after she saw me, she tried to stand up right away. Though she still shaking when she tried I can see that she’s seems like regaining her strenght. I greeted her and comfort her by patting her and massaging her body. Then it was time again to go. I tried to comfort her as much as I can to make her feel that I’m always here.
I was a bit happy at that time that she seems like getting better. I went home tried to relax then I was talking to Vem around 4-5 pm when I got a text message from the Doctor that Sable passed away.
I can’t help not to cry. I love her so much that it really pains me. I want to run. I want to get away. Go somewhere away from familiar place and just mourn. Until now, it still pains me while writing this blog. If there’s any chance that I can save Sable by quitting my job, I would have to but it’s already too late. I just wish she’s okay now in a dogdom. I hope she knows that I would never abandon her and loved her until the end.