Wiki says:

Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.”

Envy can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person’s self-image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been he or she who had the desired object.

Bertrand Rusell said envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness. It is a universal and most unfortunate aspect of human nature because not only is the envious person rendered unhappy by his envy, but also wishes to inflict misfortune on others. Although envy is generally seen as something negative, Russell also believed that envy was a driving force behind the movement towards democracy and must be endured to achieve a more just social system. However, psychologists have recently suggested that there may be two types of envy: malicious envy and benign envy – benign envy being proposed as a type of positive motivational force.

Where it all began, most probably

I was working in Lambunao then, I don’t know exactly how I got in Iloilo at that time. It was last year I guess. That’s one of the reasons I really need to keep a journal. I hate myself for being forgetful. Anyway, I was here in Iloilo enjoying the leisure of my brief time because I know I ought to get back in Lambunao because of my work. A gay friend of mine invited me for a cup of coffee which I happily accepted. We met and talked there in Brew, which is located near St. Paul’s University, in front of Atrium. I think we decided to have a coffee there because of the Calea cake I was craving for. So further on, we talked about stuffs about our common friends, books and gay rights, usual things. Then he initiated the topic about a friend of mine, who’s about to get married. Actually they were already married at the time in the Mayor’s office. They decided to have a church wedding which I find pleasant. Then we get deeper with the issue. He told me that sometimes it makes him vomit every time he sees their fb posts. He told me how he hate her. He says she’s obnoxious and ugly and whatever. So anyway, of course, I also felt obliged to give my own opinion. So I did, I told him yeah I agree that she’s a bit irritating sometimes. There’s no logic on getting married this soon, I mean, they’ve been together only for 4 months then. It didn’t come to my mind that talking about them is wrong because I was only voicing out an opinion and we were just rationalizing their decision. I mean, is there something wrong with that? I was there friend, of course I was a bit concerned. I didn’t really hate her or said anything with malice. I was even defending her at times because I’m basing my opinions in logic and rationality. So anyway, that was it. Then I was off to Lambunao.

I was in the office when I feel that there’s something wrong with them in Facebook. I can’t really pin point the things that seemed unusual but I can feel it that there’s something amiss. It was then I realized that the gay friend of mine, spilled the beans and put me in the line of fire.

I was terribly hurt because we’ve been friends for 7-9 years. He knows he can always count on me when his in any trouble. I’ve proven it for lots of times. That’s why of all the people I known to betray me, he’s one of the least expected, I guessed who will betray me. What’s worse? The other circle of friends seemed to have believed him, especially the bride, and maybe the groom, and whoever else, I’m not sure. It cuts me real deep in a way that they can’t possibly understand. They don’t even give me a benefit of a doubt. No one even tried to confront me at that time. I don’t know, maybe they were afraid? I don’t really know. They just assumed I’m Smeagle-like without any clarifications or let me explain anything. I realized there’s no point to this. That’s why I decided to just let them all go, to stop adding more pain to the injury.

Me wantss to get married too, you know??

Me? Envy of you? That’s Slander!

I was browsing over some geeky stuffs when my wife called. We talk over sweet nothings, her advocacy with environment (the dolphin thing and the mass production of genetic enhanced chickens) and my opinion about it, the usual. It was just another usual day, then my wife just blurted out that this former friend of mine was spreading to her circle of friends that I was so envious of her. It wasn’t really a big deal to me, at first. I mean, if she wants to flatter herself with such thought, as long as, it doesn’t bother my work, lifestyle or any financial related endeavors, feel free to do so. There’s no truth to it and she no longer exists to me anyway. Let them live their own lives and I’ll take care of mine. That was my resolve.

But lately, my wife mentioned it to me again (while I was reading a manga). It seems she’s really holding on to that idea, that I’m somewhat, envious of her. Then I ponder, why? What are the things I should be envious of anyway? Is it her career? – I mean, she’s not really successful anyway. I’m just saying the truth. She still have lots to prove. She hasn’t achieve anything yet in that field. Is it because she’s married? – I’ve been married earlier than her. So there’s no logic there. Is it because she has a baby now? – That’s a bit stupid. My wife and I can have one anytime once we’re decided. But we already decided, that its not yet the time. So what else? I have no idea.

It should have been me who's Gollum! I hate you Andy Serkis!

There’s no point of confronting them with that, they’ll most likely deny it. I just never expected it how shallow she really is (I mean I know she’s shallow, just never thought that it’s that much) and those people who believed her. So don’t wonder why I cut my ties with this bunch.

*Oh before I forget.. It was the gay guy, who talks too much, who first injected the idea of me being envious. He told my wife and even told her not to divulge this “information” to me. It’s kind of moronic, I mean, that’s my wife you’re talking to. Then I guess the gang just followed through.

What I really want

Now since we’re talking about being envy. What are the things that would make me envy? Well, honestly, I’m a very practical person. I’d rather have stuffs that I can used to boost my few vices here and there. I’m not sure if I should call it envious but there are times how I wish I have stuffs that I see some people have.

Let's do the Hokey Pokey!
  • Xbox Kinect and other Playboxes – I once got an Xbox before, but it was one of the older release. It all started when I saw Vem playing boxing in youtube, along with her friends. I realized it could benefit me somehow instead of just sitting around and playing with a console. But I’d be happy with a simple Playstation 2, though. Just in case you guys looking for me, you can spot me in Circuit City in Robinson’s, playing Fight Night.
  • Starry Starry Ceiling – Anyone of you guys watched “Hey Arnold” in Nickelodeon? He has this rooftop window, with a simple click, the window will just slide and he can see the sky with all the suns, planets and moons. I want to have that thing someday in my own house.
Sleep overs!
  • Chevy Impala 1967, Harley or Chopper – It all started when I watched the “Supernatural” tv series, when I saw this car. It’s a modern steed of cowboys. I would love to have something like that in the future.
  • Yacht – I’m in the impression that the sea is the most romantic place in the world. So it would be great to have a boat of my own where I can put some of my stuffs and my dogs along with my love ones and sail somewhere, like in the “50 First Dates“.
  • Les Paul Gibson – It’s classy and got this blues aura in it. Though I’m not really a great guitar player, I would love to collect some guitars some day, that is if the funds is not really a bother.
Hey! hey! I wanna be a Rockstar!
  • A vast library and a sliding ladder – You guys watched “The Beauty and the Beast”? When the Beast introduced Belle to another part of the castle, where the ocean of books located.
  • a bathtub and swimming pool – Yep I love these! 🙂
Well, that’s all I could think for now, but by giving me more time I’m sure I could give you a longer list. I know it’s ambitious and too dreamy but hey! “Libre lang mangarap!”.. ( Dreams are for free..)
Seriousness with the Flying News (Chismax)!
I don’t envy anyone as much as to call it “envy”. I believe, it’s an insult to oneself to envy other people. So why do they put me on that paradigm? I don’t know. But I also believed that we are what we think of others. We sometimes judged a person because of something that we hate ourselves with. It’s actually a mirror effect. “What is in is also without”, a quote I read while stumbling into metaphysical reading materials. Think about it! People sometimes, when they can’t understand things, they would settle on something that’s comfortable to them, which is only within the limit of their own understanding. For example:
  • A guy, all dressed in black.. People would assume, “Oh it’s a Satanist!” or “He’s a member of a syndicate, don’t talk to him” or “He’s a bad man! He’s been selling drugs!” which in fact, he’s mourning for a loss loved one.
  • A pregnant teenage girl…  People would say, “She’s a bitch, a child whore that’s why she get pregnant” or “A dumb girl” or “She’s a nympho..” which in fact, she was actually raped.
Hypocrisy at its best that is.
Final Thoughts
She loves flattering herself with stuffs by broadcasting it to the world. I don’t really give a damn about that. She can do whatever she wants with her own life. Just a simple request: Leave me out of it. Forget about me because I already forgotten you. Yes, I know it’s a bit harsh to say but I don’t see any point to be affiliated with her likes anymore. I don’t envy you. You’ve got nothing to be envied for and I’m just saying this in very honest and polite way I can. There’s no pun intended. Now am back here in Iloilo, I just want to start anew.

7 thoughts on “Envy

  1. guess thats it.. i would say though, there will be things in this series of events that are misunderstood and will be left like that for the rest of the years.. kind of agree on one thing, he who thought to have done an intervention of rightness, was really a scapegoat artist, and that fact, will be buried as well.. and when silence was asked, it was salt to unspoken wounds.. and this was mislooked, eh..

    oh well, i pray for sunny days, breezy winds and sparkling cosmic fates for us, lifetime companion..


    1. One of the reason I wrote it because I’m a little forgetful and I don’t want it to be left like the rest of the years because if you analyze it thoroughly, there’s wisdom to it that we can learn. It’s hurtful but I know in the end, I’m just gonna laugh all about it.


  2. Hi smokebear its been awesome reading your web log and just thought I would say appreciate it and wished I could write like that.


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